Coming Out Support and Resources

Resources for LGBTQIA2S+ Students

The resources found in this section can support you as you come out. You know your situation better than anyone else. Engage with the resources below in whatever order and combination that will best suit you. As an important reminder, there is no pressure for you to come out, no ‘correct’ way to come out, or one time to come out. You have agency in this. The resources below are here for you as you invite people into this space of knowing.

Pride Center Resource List

The Pride Center Resource List includes resources on campus including support groups, gender-inclusive housing placements, changing your name on class rosters, etc. (with or without a legal name change), and where gender-neutral and accessible restrooms are located. There are also local Inland Empire resources and national resources on this list which include community-building opportunities, mental health resources, leadership opportunities, scholarships, and more.

See Pride Center Resource List

Trans Inclusive Housing Policy

The University of Redlands offers housing in accordance with your gender identity. The Pride Center and Residence Life and Housing work together to support finding the best fit for every student when it comes to living arrangements.

Gender-Inclusive Housing

The Department of Residential Life and Housing (RLH) and Campus Diversity and Inclusion (CDI) at the University of Redlands seek to provide a living environment welcoming to all gender identities; one not limited by the traditional understanding of gender as only male and female. Gender-inclusive housing allows individuals to live together regardless of biological sex. Offering gender-inclusive housing supports creating a more inclusive campus climate and community.

Gender-inclusive housing means students from all gender identities and expressions may choose to live together. Thus, gender-inclusive housing is for anyone who wants to live with people with whom they feel comfortable - no matter their gender. Students who elect this option must be open to living with a person of any gender.

The following values guide gender-inclusive housing assignments:

• Respect for and affirmation of the student's gender identity and/or expression

• Prioritized attention to the student's physical safety and emotional health

• Enhancing the student's opportunity for success at the University of Redlands by finding the best match between the student's needs and the options available

If you would like more information, please contact: Residence Life and Housing

Student and Employee Rights

Title IX

Title IX Protects Students and Employees from Discrimination Based on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity.

The U.S. Department of Education's Office for Civil Rights, which enforces Title IX, has issued guidance confirming that discrimination on the basis of sex includes: (1) discrimination based on sexual orientation; and (2) discrimination based on gender identity. Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972 prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex in any education program or activity offered by a recipient of federal financial assistance.

In its Notice of Interpretation, the Department of Education’s Office for Civil Rights discussed the U.S. Supreme Court decision in Bostock v. Clayton County, and quoted the Court’s decision and its examples illustrating that: “it is impossible to discriminate against a person based on their sexual orientation or gender identity without discriminating against that person based on sex.”

For more information visit: U.S. Department of Education Confirms Title IX Protects Students from Discrimination Based on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity.

At the University of Redlands, Title IX and related state law protections extend to all community members and visitors to our campuses:

“This University of Redlands (“University”) policy applies to all faculty, staff, students, student employees, contractors, vendors, volunteers, and visitors to any University campus, facility, and/or property and to University-sponsored activities and events, whether or not on University premises.” University of Redlands’ Policy Prohibiting Discrimination, Harassment, Sexual Misconduct, and Retaliation, Policy Summary, p.1.

For more information about Title IX at the University of Redlands and to read the Title IX policy text visit the University Title IX Policy Website.

Coming Out to Faculty and Staff

You do not have to come out to faculty and staff. However, if you do, below are some resources and suggestions to help you navigate coming out. If you want your professors to call you a different name or use new pronouns for you, there are a few options:

1. Change Your Email Signature and/or Name and Pronouns Manually in Digital Spaces

Head to the “Tech Support” Section below for information on how to change your name and/or pronouns (depending on the platform) in your redlands.edu Outlook email signature, Canvas, Self-Service Portal, and Zoom. If you are not in a place to do the Name Change Request, this is an option that can help support and affirm you while also navigating your specific circumstances.

2. Name Change

The Name Change request helps students change their name on class rosters, grade rosters, advisee listings, MyRedlands, email display, login name, and may also appear in the University of Redlands’ promotional materials, news releases, and related systems. The University will continue to use your legal first name within your academic record, diploma, official transcripts, enrollment verifications, financial record, and in most third-party database systems.   Name Change Website

3. Contact Your Professor or Work Study Supervisor

Coming out to your professor or work-study supervisor can be done over email, during the faculty member’s office hours, or just by changing your name and pronouns in the appropriate systems, whatever is the most affirming for you. You do not have to come out, but if you would like to, this step covers some information that you can include. After telling your professor or work-study supervisor of your new pronouns, for example, you can reaffirm this by updating your pronouns through the self-service portal (where you register for classes), Canvas, and more. Instructions on how to do this can be found in the “Tech Support” section below.

Sample email templates for professors

When initially reaching out to your professor via email, here are some things to consider including in your email:

• Course Name and Section Number (ex. Queer Cultures and Identities, WGS 153-01)
• Share the name and pronouns you use now
• Thank them for being understanding
• Share the link to this website and refer them to the “Coming Out Resources for Faculty and Staff” section as this includes advice and information that could be of support to them being an ally to you

Sample one

Hi Professor (Insert Professor’s Last Name),

I am a student in your (insert class name and section number here). I am reaching out to let you know that the name and pronouns I use have changed. I now go by (share name) and use (share pronouns). Starting now, I will be submitting assignments and signing emails with this name and these pronouns. I wanted to share this with you so you can start to use my correct name and pronouns moving forward. If you have any questions, I would check out the University LGBTQIA2S+ Coming Out Support Process as it has advice for faculty when a student comes out. Thank you so much for your understanding and support.

Best,

(Sign with name and pronouns you use)

Sample two

Dear Dr. (Insert Professor’s Last Name),

I am enrolled in (insert class name and section number here). I wanted to email you to let you know that you will see my name change on the class roster and for my redlands.edu. I recently submitted the Name Change request and wanted to send this email as a courtesy. Moving forward, I ask that you call me by (insert name you go by) and use (share pronouns) pronouns for me. If you feel that it would be helpful, the University LGBTQIA2S+ Coming Out Support Process has a section for faculty and staff with advice for when a student comes out. Thank you for your support.

(Sign with the name you use)

Sample three

Hi Prof. (Insert Professor’s Last Name),

I am currently taking your (insert class name and section number here). I am getting in contact with you to let you know that the name that I was originally listed on the roster has changed from J. Doe to Jack Doe. Additionally, I go by (share your pronouns here) pronouns. I would appreciate it as we move forward that you refer to me as (insert name) and use (insert pronouns) pronouns for me inside the class, outside class, and in writing (emails, assignment feedback, evaluations, etc.). The Pride Center has developed a University LGBTQIA2S+ Coming Out Support Process that includes helpful information for faculty and staff navigating a student coming out which offers advice and answers questions that you might have. I appreciate your support.

Thanks,

(Sign with the name you use)

Sample email templates for work study supervisors

When initially reaching out to your work-study supervisor, here are some things to consider including in your email:

• Work-study position title
• Share the name and pronouns you use now
• Thank them for being understanding
• Share the link to this website and refer them to the “Coming Out Resources for Faculty and Staff” section as this includes advice and information that could be of support to them being an ally to you

Sample one

Hi (Insert Work Study Supervisor’s Name),

I am a (insert work-study position) in the (insert work-study location). I am reaching out to let you know that the name and pronouns I use have changed. I now go by (share name) and use (share pronouns). Starting now, I will be submitting project work and signing emails with this name and these pronouns. I wanted to share this with you so you can start to use my correct name and pronouns moving forward. If you have any questions, I would check out the University LGBTQIA2S+ Coming Out Support Process as it has advice for staff when a student comes out. Thank you so much for your understanding and support.

Best,

(Sign with name and pronouns you use)

Sample two

Dear (Insert Work Study Supervisor’s Name),

I am currently a (insert work-study position) in the (insert work-study location). I am getting in contact with you to let you know that the name that I was originally listed on the work-study paperwork will change from J. Doe to Jack Doe as I completed a legal name change. Additionally, I go by (share your pronouns here) pronouns. I would appreciate it as we move forward that you refer to me as (insert name) and use (insert pronouns) pronouns for me. The Pride Center has developed a University LGBTQIA2S+ Coming Out Support Process that includes helpful information for faculty and staff navigating a student coming out which offers advice and answers questions that you might have. I appreciate your support.

Thanks,

(Sign with the name you use)

Tips for coming out to your professor or work-study supervisor in a 1-1 conversation:

Sometimes coming out happens when we correct someone in the moment, or sometimes folks prefer not to have a written record via e-mail. If you come out to your professor or work-study supervisor in a 1-1 dialogue, here are some things to consider:

• Keep it simple. If your name has changed, you can share with them, “Hey- I wanted to let you know that I go by (insert name you go by), and I would appreciate it if you refer to me by this name moving forward”. Additionally, if you are sharing your pronouns with them, you could say, “I just wanted to let you know that I use (insert pronouns you use) and would appreciate it if you use these pronouns for me.”
• Share with them only the information you are comfortable sharing with them. You can share as little or as much as you like. For example, if you are going to be having a gender-affirming surgery and need an extension on an assignment or some time off, you can choose whether or not to disclose what surgery you are having. Any information shared is on a ‘need-to-know-basis,’ and you are not obligated to share anything you are not comfortable with.
• You do not need to educate your professor or work-study supervisor on LGBTQIA2S+ topics. If they have questions about LGBTQIA2S+ topics, you can refer them to this web page for tips on how they can be of support. Additionally, you can recommend the Pride Center Safe-Space Allies training to them.
• You have every right to speak up and be affirmed by who you are sharing this with. You do not need to apologize for sharing this with them. You are not a burden for sharing this. You are honoring yourself in this action of inviting people into this space.

Resources and Benefits for LGBTQIA2S+ Employees

If you are an employee at the university and coming out yourself, here are a few pieces of information and advice to consider as you navigate your coming out.

Healthcare

Health benefits are available to eligible employees. The University of Redlands does offer benefits for your partner and children. To receive benefits as a partner you must be in a legal partnership or legally married. Additionally, for your eligible dependents, you will need to provide a copy of their birth certificate and/or adoption paperwork to the office of Human Resources (HR) for them to be able to receive benefits. Additionally, employees with medical coverage through the University have access to counseling services for themselves and anyone listed on their healthcare plan.

Name Change

If the university system does not reflect the name that you use, you can contact Information and Technology Services (ITS) to have it changed in the system. You do not have to legally change your name first to make this switch. ITS is located in the Willis Center and is open Monday-Friday from 8 am-5 pm PST. You can contact IT either by phone at (909) 748-8922, by email at tech_support@redlands.edu, or visit the ITS website.

If you legally change your name, the office of Human Resources (HR) has a process in place to update the documentation to reflect your legal name change. To do this, you will need to first complete the legal name change process and then obtain your new social security card with the matching name. HR will need both the court affidavit and your new social security card to change your name in the system and for the benefits that you have. If you have any questions about this process, please reach out to HR either by phone at (909) 748-8040 or visit the Office of Human Resources website. HR is located on the ground level, west side, of the Armacost Library and is open Monday-Friday from 8 am-5 pm PST.

Gender Marker Change

You can change your gender marker in the University system under Private Information through the HR portal. The gender selected here is only seen by HR. If you have completed a legal gender marker change and would like this reflected in systems outside of the university (ex. healthcare, dental, retirement, etc.) please contact the Office of Human Resources.

Employee Resources

The University has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) through Health Advocate for eligible employees. EAP offers counseling, a 24/7 nurse line, health advocacy, and telehealth (including video counseling). EAP also assists with legal, financial, and ID recovery in which you can connect with a lawyer or certified financial counselor for a free consultation. Contact Human Resources at (909) 748-8040 or visit the Human Resources portal through your my.redlands.edu for more information. You can also contact EAP directly at 866-799-2728 or use the Health Advocate website.

Coming Out to Your Coworkers

There are a lot of options when it comes to thinking through how you would like to tell your coworkers that you are LGBTQIA2S+. Below are some possible ways that you can think about coming out to your coworkers:

• Let it happen organically through conversation. This could be by sharing what you and your partner are doing this weekend or sharing your new pronouns during introductions.
• Send an email to your supervisor and coworkers letting them know that you go by a new name.
• Change your email signature to reflect the name and pronouns you use. Instructions on how to do this can be found in the ‘Tech Support’ section below
• Be selective about who you share it with. You might choose to do this for a variety of reasons but depending on your situation, inviting a couple or a few close folks into this space of knowing might be helpful.
• Tell Human Resources. You could CC your boss on an email to have institutional support. If going through an official channel makes it feel safer, then it is something to consider.
• Let people learn about your gender or sexual orientation by just being yourself. Having a picture of you and your partner on your desk and having your pronouns listed in your email signature are more holistic ways to come out.

Articles about Coming Out and Transitioning in the Workplace

Transitioning in the Workplace

This article from the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) offers constructive advice on applying for jobs, coming up with an action plan, coming out to coworkers, and ongoing support. Transitioning in the Workplace: A Guide for Trans Employees Article

Coming Out to Your Coworkers

The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) shares information about your federal rights, questions to consider, advice on navigating things after coming out at work, and benefits of being out at work. Coming Out to Your Coworkers Article

What protections do I have in California and Federally?

The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Southern California answers commonly asked questions about what protections exist and how far they extend. The protections discussed in this article cover your rights whether or not you are out, rights for transitioning at work, rights if you are non-binary, and more. California LGBTQ Employment Rights Article

Faculty, Employee, and Student Worker Rights

Faculty Handbook May 2021

Section 3.5.5 Prohibition of Harassment and Unlawful Discrimination states, “The University is committed to sustaining itself as an academic community that incorporates principles of fairness, equal opportunity, and compliance with applicable laws. All employees and students have the right to be treated according to the same set of standards and expectations as are their peers, and they have an equal right to seek advancement based on individual effort and merit. Given the centrality of education to our institutional mission, the University places special emphasis on the rights of students to experience equal treatment from professors in advising, instruction, and evaluation” (89).

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964

Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 makes it unlawful for any person to discriminate in employment against any individual because of that person’s race, color, religion, sex, or national origin. It is unlawful to discriminate against any individual regarding recruiting, hiring and promotion, transfer, work assignments, performance measurements, the work environment, job training, discipline and discharge, wages and benefits, or any other term, condition, or privilege of employment. Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 Full-Text Website

Bostock v. Clayton County Supreme Court Decision

Employees are federally protected from unlawful discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation as determined by the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) on June 15, 2020, in the case Bostock v. Clayton County. This SCOTUS decision upheld Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and reaffirmed that ‘sex’ encompasses gender identity and sexual orientation. For more information about this case, visit the Protections Against Employment Discrimination Based on Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Website

California Fair Employment and Housing Act (FEHA)

Through the California Fair Employment and Housing Act (FEHA) it is illegal for employers to discriminate on the basis of race, color, ancestry, national origin, religion, creed, age (40 and over), disability (mental and physical), sex, gender (including pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding or related medical conditions), sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression, medical condition, genetic information, marital status, and military or veteran status. Additionally, it is unlawful under the FEHA for an employer to harass an employee, volunteer, intern, job applicant, or contractor based on any of the protected characteristics. The FEHA protects from unlawful discrimination in advertisements applications, screening, interviews, hiring, transferring, promoting, terminating, separating employees' working conditions (including compensation), participation in a training or apprenticeship program, and employee organization or union. For more information about the FEHA visit The California Civil Rights Department Employment Discrimination Website.

Equality in the Workplace Organizations and Resources

These organizations, sectors, and websites cover creating and finding support within your organization, federal protections against discrimination, and equality indexes for an inclusive workplace. 

• Out and Equal Website
• United States Equal Employment Opportunity Commission Website
• Human Rights Campaign Corporate Equality Index 2022 Website

Supporting our Students and Coworkers

This section is for faculty, staff, and administrators at the University of Redlands. You can expect that in your role you will meet someone from the LGBTQIA2S+ community. This may be a student of yours, a co-worker, or a guest speaker. Below are some pieces of advice on how you can navigate your allyship in creating a safe, supportive, and affirming environment when someone comes out to you.

Safe-Space Allies Training

The Pride Center offers Safe-Space Allies Training that covers gender identity, pronouns, sexual orientation, and more. This training is a great way to stay current with LGBTQIA2S+ affirming language, reflect on your own allyship, and offer practical advice on ways you can enhance our allyship. Additionally, the Safe-Space Allies training is a great place to be able to safely ask questions, get clarification, and build community with folks on campus who are also hoping to take their allyship to the next level. To inquire about the Safe-Space Allies training, please reach out to Peter Tupou at peter_tupou@redlands.edu and Monique Stennis at monique_stennis@redlands.edu.

How to Respond When Someone Comes Out To You

There are different affirming ways to respond when someone comes out to you. Knowing how to respond in different situations will create a safer and more supportive environment for everyone. Refer to the sub-sections below for suggestions on how to respond, depending on the situation.

Responses when someone is first coming out:

These responses are helpful if the person coming out to you is ‘newly’ out and/or exploring their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. Additionally, if the person coming out is sharing this information in confidence with you, these would be helpful responses to use.

• Thank the person for sharing this with you. The person sharing this information with you has given it a lot of thought and is inviting you into a vulnerable space. Lead with compassion and kindness. Some affirming responses include:
  • Thank you for trusting me to share this with.
  • Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this with me. I am excited for you and where you are going! Please let me know if there is anything in particular that I can do that would be of support as you navigate this on our campus.
  • Thank you so much for letting me know. I am honored that you invited me into this space. I will do what I can to show up in ways that are affirming for you.
• Let the person coming out lead the conversation. The most supportive response is one that includes saying thank you and affirming that you will do your best to honor them through your actions.
• Let them know if they need resources for anything coming out related, they can explore this website or the Pride Center Resource List Website if they haven’t already, as there is helpful information and resources on both pages.

Responses when someone is already ‘out’; but coming out to you:

If someone is already ‘out’, for example, their pronouns are listed publicly on their e-mail or they are married to their partner, here are some tips on how to respond.

• Do not make a big deal about it. The information being shared is an important piece of this person and their life, however, it is not the only part of who they are. Do your best to not fixate on them being LGBTQIA2S+, but to follow their lead with how they share this information with you.
• Practice using the correct pronouns, name, and terminology (i.e. partner, spouse, husband, wife) on your own, so then when you are with the LGBTQIA2S+ person everyday conversation can flow a little easier.

Overall Dos and Don’ts:

• Do not use this as an opportunity to ask invasive questions. Invasive questions for folks include (but are not limited to):
  • Do not ask them about their name/assigned sex at birth before coming out as trans/nonbinary/gender diverse. Focusing on someone’s deadname* and assigned sex is not only really uncomfortable but also not necessary. Instead, relying on a student’s last name and/or knowing the first initial might be all you need to know. Asking a student or coworker about their previous name/sex assigned at birth makes the space emotionally unsafe for the person coming out.
  • Unless they volunteer it, do not ask how someone identifies their gender or sexual orientation.
  • Do not ask about medical transition (surgery etc.) i.e., do not ask if they are planning on having surgery.
• Do not use this as an opportunity for the person coming out to you, to educate you. It might feel like you are trying to do the right thing, but this can be tokenizing for the person who just came out. Coming out is vulnerable, so this is a time to offer support by being affirming. If you have questions about how to be a better ally in general, consider doing the Safe-Space Allies Training, and reading more through this page as there are a lot of helpful pointers.
• Ask for consent first before asking clarifying questions. For example
  • If they consent, you could ask questions like, “moving forward would you like me to correct people if I hear anyone using the wrong name and pronouns for you?” or “How would you like me to handle this in class?”
• Do not tell the person that came out to you about the other LGBTQIA2S+ people that you know, and do not ask them if they know the LGBTQIA2S+ people that you know.
• Immediately start using the correct name and pronouns. You can expect that you will slip up. When you do, do not make a big deal about it. Just quickly correct your mistake and move on. Focusing on the moment of misgendering**/deadnaming* is extremely uncomfortable for the person who came out to you. Try to avoid over-apologizing or sharing how hard this is for you, as this puts the person who came out to you in a position where they now need to emotionally support you. Changing the name and pronouns you use for someone, takes practice! So, practice often, even in your head, to try to avoid these uncomfortable situations. But know if you do misgender/deadname someone you have the resources to quickly recover.

*Deadname is the name that someone used before coming out or transitioning

**Misgendering is the act of referring to someone by a gender other than the one they identify with. For example, this can happen by using the wrong pronouns for someone.

Ways to Show You Are An Ally on Campus

There are a handful of small ways that you can demonstrate that you are an ally. Consider making the small adjustments listed below as they will indicate to students that you are interested in creating a safe environment.

• Do not assume someone’s pronouns. If you are unsure about what pronouns someone uses, default to they/them/theirs pronouns until you have an opportunity to ask this person 1-1. One way to ask for someone’s pronouns is to offer yours. You should share with them that you use (insert pronouns here) and ask, what pronouns do you use?
  • Another option to make sure you are using the correct pronouns is to read people’s email signatures and look on online university platforms like Self-Service and Canvas. This is an easy way to double-check without putting the person on the spot.
• List the pronouns that you use in your email signature and on relevant online platforms. Head to the “Tech Support” section for instructions on how to do this.
• List your pronouns in your syllabi. Students do not want to misgender you. So, by having yours listed, they are also respecting you. Additionally, by listing your pronouns, you are creating a more inviting environment for students to share their pronouns.
• Share your pronouns in class and invite other students to do the same. For more information, advice, common scenarios, and how to respond to them, check out this Pronoun Worksheet from the Venture Out Project.

Maybe someone you love and care about just came out. Or maybe you want to be a better ally for folks in your life if and when someone does come out. It is no secret that supporting your child or friend who is LGBTQIA2S+ has a positive impact on their life. This section offers helpful information and advice on how to support those you care about who are LGBTQIA2S+. Additionally, when a loved one comes out this can be a shift for you too. They are first and foremost still the same person that you care about, this is just a new and exciting part of who they are that they are sharing with you. No matter how supportive you might be, learning best practices on how to support your loved one, and finding support for yourself, will be supportive of your relationship.

How to Respond When Your Loved One Comes Out

The best possible thing to do is to lead with love and compassion. It takes a lot of courage to share your gender and/or sexual orientation. Coming out is a moment in which your loved one is trusting you and turning to you to affirm them. Rather than saying “this doesn’t change how I feel about you” or “I love you no matter what” though these sentiments are often suggested, they are not as affirming as you might think. These are statements that are shared when someone did not meet your expectations. Instead, consider saying, “Everything I learn about you grows my love for you. Thank you for trusting me to share this with.” or “I love finding out more about who you are and who you are becoming. Thank you for inviting me into this space to be able to celebrate how amazing you are”. These responses clearly communicate that there is nothing wrong with being LGBTQIA2S+.

Letting your loved one lead how they tell people, when they tell people, and who they tell, as these are their decisions to make. It is your job, to support them in this process. Unless you have their enthusiastic and clear consent to share their new name, gender, pronouns, or partner’s name/gender/pronouns, please do not do it as this is violating their trust. Once your loved one is comfortable with more people knowing, it will be important to embrace this publicly by using the right name, pronouns, gender, etc. as long as it is on their timeline.

There might be a handful of questions that come to mind with your loved one sharing this information with you. Do your best to let them lead the conversation. If your loved one comes out with a new gender identity, it might be affirming to ask them if they have a name that they would like you to use. Additionally, asking them what pronouns they go by can be affirming. And then start using them! You can ask for clarification if there are places or people that the person may not want you to use their new name and pronouns in front of. This is carefully thought through by the person coming out to keep themself safe. However, they may specify for you to use their new name and pronouns everywhere to help make the change public. If your loved one does not have a new set of pronouns/name yet, that is okay! Just keep the door open and invite them to share their new name and pronouns when they are ready. This will create safety and trust moving forward.

When someone comes out to you, questions to avoid asking include (but are not limited to) questions about medical transition (i.e. surgery, etc.), sexual activity, asking things like “are you the man or the woman in the relationship?”, “what restroom will you use?”, etc. Also avoid saying things like, “I always knew”, “Are you sure?”, “But you’re so (insert adjective here)”. Asking invasive questions, or saying invalidating statements, will make the person coming out feel unsafe. The most important thing here is to build trust and understanding through how you communicate.

When your loved one comes out, you might also have a lot of concerns. Do your best to not let fear take over by sharing your concerns about how this might make their life ‘harder’. There also might be some feelings of grief that come up for you because you may have imagined your loved one’s life differently. However, your loved one is getting to know themself and wants to share that with you. To have someone come out to you is an honor. They have given this a lot of thought and are inviting you into a vulnerable space of who they are. Lead with gratitude and love for them inviting you into this space. The most important thing to express when your loved one comes out is joy. This is a big moment for your loved one, and they have confided in you to share this with.

It is okay and understandable that you are going to have thoughts and feelings about this news. When your loved one comes out, try your best to put your love for them first. Your thoughts and feelings about this are valid, and they are not the responsibility of the person coming out to you, they are your responsibility. Finding your own support will strengthen the support that you can offer to your loved one. In finding your own support, be careful to not ‘out’ your loved one. Outing means sharing their coming out without their consent. Outing is a violation of trust. Their coming out is their news to share, on their timeline. Talking to your own counselor, which is a confidential space, might be a safe space for you to both process how you are feeling, and get the support you need, before finding support through other friends and family members. Additionally, there are organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) that offer support groups specifically to folks who are going through, or who have gone through this process. See their information below.

Organizations to Support You

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG)

PFLAG is a national organization that offers support groups to families and friends who know someone who is LGBTQIA2S+. PFLAG can help you find your own community and support you as you navigate your loved one’s coming out. PFLAG Website

Pride Center Resource List

The Pride Center Resource List includes local organizations in the Inland Empire and national organizations that can be of support to you in navigating your loved one’s coming out. This list also includes a couple of local counselors in the area that offer a safe space and support. Pride Center Resource List Website

The instructions provided below are to help change display names and pronouns on University platforms. These instructions benefit not just LGBTQIA2S+ folks on our campus to share their name and pronouns but also allow allies to display the name and pronouns they use. Knowing what pronouns someone uses is just as important as knowing their name. Displaying your pronouns can help create an inclusive and welcoming environment for all. All instructions provided below are for websites accessed through a computer and not a mobile device.

Note: If the pronouns you use are not listed through platforms that use a dropdown menu, please reach out to the Pride Center so we can collaborate with IT to get them added.

How to Change/Add Your Pronouns Through Self-Service Portal

If you are a student, adding your pronouns through the self-service portal will let faculty members see your pronouns displayed when you register for a class. If you are a faculty or staff member, you can list your pronouns through the same steps below.

1. Sign in to My.Redlands.edu
2. In your MyRedlands dashboard, there is an icon called “Self-Service.” If you do not immediately see it, you may need to click on “More.” Doing so will display all the icons. Click the Self-Service Icon
3. Once the self-service portal opens, click on your name in the top right corner.
4. A drop-down menu will appear from your name. Click “User Profile” from this drop-down menu
5. In the “About You” section, there is a link called “Edit Personal Identity.” Click this link.
6. A pop-up box will appear entitled “Identity Details.” This box will have a drop-down menu to select your “Preferred Pronoun.”
7. Once you have selected the option that works best, click “Save.”

How to Change your Pronouns on Canvas

1. Log into your My.Redlands.edu.
2. Go to Canvas.
3. Once in Canvas, click your account icon on the left side of your web browser.
4. In the side menu, click the “Settings” tab.
5. On the right side, click on “Edit Settings.”
6. Next to “Pronouns,” select the pronouns from the dropdown menu that you prefer.
7. Once selected, click “Update Settings” to save your pronouns.

Note: These pronouns will be displayed in your Canvas courses only. Pronouns will be visible on the class roster, AKA the “People” tab in your courses.

How to Display Pronouns and Change Your Display Name on Zoom

1. Log into your account at My.Redlands.edu
2. Open Zoom through your dashboard or app launcher to go to the Redlands Zoom site
3. In the right corner, click on your profile picture
4. From the dropdown, click your redlands.edu email
5. In the top box where your profile photo, name, and pronouns are displayed click “Edit”
6. Here you can edit your name, display name, type in your pronouns, and specify when you would like your pronouns displayed
7. Once you have edited the information, click “Save”

Email Signature

1. Log into your account at My.Redlands.edu
2. Open your email through the dashboard
3. Click the gear icon in the top right corner in your Outlook email
4. At the bottom of the side bar, click “View all Outlook Settings”
5. Through the “Mail” tab select “Compose and reply” in the middle tab in the pop-up window
6. The first section is “Email Signature”. Whatever you type in the box will automatically appear in any new email or email reply through your redlands.edu outlook.
7. Once you have your email signature typed into the box, click “Save”

Example email signature format

Name You Go By
Pronouns: Pronouns You Use Here
Title (Ex: Business Student, Assistant Professor of Sociology, etc.)
Department (Ex: College of Arts & Sciences, Student Life, etc.)
Email: Your email here
Office: Your office here
Phone Number: Your work phone number here
Institutional/Department Information (If relevant)

Teams

Teams To change your name on Teams to the name you go by, you will need to complete the Name Change request if you are a student or contact IT if you are staff/faculty. It is not currently possible to list your pronouns on Teams.

Pronouns are something that exists in everyday speech. Examples of pronouns include I, me, we, us, he, him, his, she, her, hers, they, them, theirs, it, etc. Pronouns are often used to supplement someone’s name to refer to them. For example, “Have you heard Adele’s latest song? She is so talented”. The pronoun she is referring to Adele. Even if you might not realize it, we all use pronouns every day to speak about ourselves, others, and objects. When it comes to the LGBTQIA2S+ community knowing more about pronouns, sharing your pronouns, and respecting others’ pronouns are small but impactful ways to be affirming. This section offers information, advice, and resources specifically about pronouns.

Pronouns and Gender

The sex that someone is assigned at birth (Male, Female, Intersex), is not the same as a person’s gender. The gender someone identifies with can be in alignment, or not, with their assigned sex. For instance, if someone was assigned male at birth, and identifies as a man, this person is cisgender or cis. Cis is a helpful term as it describes when a person’s gender and sex align. If someone’s gender and sex do not align they are transgender or trans, generally speaking. There are many options of terms for what people can use to describe their gender under the trans umbrella. Examples of genders are man, woman, trans man, trans woman, non-binary, genderqueer, agender, and more.

Pronouns are one way in which gender can be affirmed. She/her/hers and He/him/his are gendered pronouns where She/her/hers pronouns are often used by people who are female-identifying and He/him/his pronouns are often used by people who are male identifying. However, these pronouns can also be used by people who do not entirely identify as female or male. For example, someone might identify as non-binary and use some combination of these pronouns.

Pronouns share an important relationship to gender as they can be affirming of how someone identifies. For example, if someone is a trans man and uses he/him/his pronouns, using the correct pronouns affirms this person’s gender. This is also true for people who are not trans. Using the correct pronouns for someone who is cis can also be affirming. For example, if someone was assigned female at birth and uses she/her/hers pronouns, using these correct pronouns affirms this person's gender as a woman.

The pronouns that you use for someone have a much larger impact than you might realize. Using the pronouns that an individual identifies with can be just as impactful as calling someone by the name that they go by. Trans folks have carefully thought about the pronouns that they use. When you use the wrong pronouns for someone, this is called misgendering. Misgendering is uncomfortable for everyone and is both hurtful and harmful for the person being misgendered.

When you ignore someone’s pronouns or use the incorrect pronouns for someone, this implies:

• You know someone better than they know themself
• You would rather cause emotional harm to someone repeatedly rather than work on developing trust and safety by changing how you speak about them
• Their sense of safety is not important to you in your relationship
• You are demonstrating to folks around you how to treat this person (i.e. misgendering)
• Their identity is not real or valid, and should not be acknowledged or respected
• You are more comfortable offending and hurting them with your words rather than changing your behavior
• You are not listening or respecting what they are saying
• Them being themself is inconvenient for you
• You would like this person to not be honest with you
• You are not an ally, a friend, or someone this person can trust

Ignoring someone’s pronouns or consistently using incorrect pronouns for someone is different from making a mistake. Mistakes will happen, and that is okay. What matters is you correct it and move on. When a person uses new pronouns or pronouns that you are unfamiliar with, it can take some practice. Using the correct pronouns for someone also shows that you care about the person. Using the right pronouns for someone affirms their identity, demonstrates your active commitment to respecting them as a person, and indicates that you are committed to developing trust, safety, and respect in your relationships with others.

They/Them/Theirs Pronouns

They/them/theirs pronouns can be used for an individual. The singular use of they/them/theirs pronouns is older than the singular ‘you’ pronoun. If you are interested in learning more about this history, check out this Oxford English Dictionary Article.

They/them/theirs are often considered to be ‘gender-neutral’ pronouns. These pronouns are often (but not only) used by people who are non-binary or genderqueer.

Advice on they/them/theirs pronouns:

• Practice often! It can be a switch to use they/them/theirs pronouns at first. It will get more comfortable with a little practice by putting in the effort!
• If you do not know the pronouns someone uses, default to using they/them/theirs pronouns. You cannot tell what pronouns someone uses by looking at them. So, until you know by hearing from the person themself what pronouns they use, default to they/them. An important reason to do this is so then you are not assuming someone’s gender. Similarly, you would not try to assume someone’s name. Using they/them/theirs pronouns for strangers and acquaintances is a great way to also practice getting more comfortable using they/them/theirs pronouns.
• If you mess up, it is okay. Quickly correct it by using the correct pronouns for someone and move on. Though this moment might be uncomfortable for you both, quickly correcting it with the right pronouns and moving on, will be the least uncomfortable.

NeoPronouns

In addition to she/her/hers, he/him/his, and they/them/theirs pronouns there are also neopronouns. Neopronouns are pronouns that are often used by some trans and non-binary folks. Neo-pronouns are generally considered to be gender-neutral pronouns. These pronouns expand the English vocabulary for gender-neutral pronouns as some folks may not feel that she/he/they pronouns best describe who they are.

Examples of neopronouns include: xe/xem/xyr, thon/thons/thons, ze/hir/hirs. See the pronoun chart below for more.

Here are a few pieces of advice, things to consider, and information to be aware of when it comes to someone’s pronouns:

• If you make a mistake with someone’s pronouns either quickly apologize and then move on. Or if you mess up, correct yourself by stating the correct pronoun and then move on. The longer you draw out the mistake, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.
• It might take time to adjust to using new pronouns for someone. Practice often so using the new set of pronouns turns into a habit.
• If you accidentally slip up on someone's pronouns do not lash out or blame the person. Also do not profusely apologize or share how hard it is for you to make the switch.
• People’s pronouns and gender can change over time. People’s pronouns might change more than once as they learn what best describes them. Do your best to adjust when they share their new pronouns.
• People can also use more than one set of pronouns. For example, someone might use both they/she pronouns. Whatever pronouns someone lists firsts are the pronouns they most identify with. So, default to those ones. Unless the person tells you that they use the pronouns interchangeably.
  • Tip: If someone uses more than one set of pronouns that include gender-neutral or neopronouns, do your best to use these pronouns as most people will default to binary he/she pronouns. Using gender-neutral or neopronouns can be a small act with a big impact.
• People do not need to identify as trans, nonbinary, or gender non-conforming to use different pronouns. For example, someone might use they/them/theirs pronouns or a combination of pronouns but not identify as trans, but still fall under the LGBTQIA2S+ umbrella. And that is okay! The most important thing is to respect and use the correct pronouns for someone regardless of their gender.
• Whether you agree or not, do not argue with this person about their pronouns. Just do your best to use the correct ones.
• If you hear someone using the wrong pronouns for someone, politely correct them.
• Do not use the phrases ‘preferred name’ or ‘preferred pronouns.’ This implies that the name and pronouns someone used to use are more valid. The word preferred also implies that the pronouns are a preference/optional and not mandatory. By just stating ‘name’ or ‘pronouns’ without the word preferred, this is validating to the person as it is not undermining in any way.

Pronoun Chart

Can I have the name I go by listed on my diploma and transcripts? 

At the moment, only your legal name can be listed on your diploma and transcripts. If you have legally changed your name you can submit an Affidavit of Name Change to the Registrar.  

Do I have to come out at the University? 

Nope! Coming out is for you to decide when this happens, where this happens, how this happens, and who you share this with. These resources are here to support you in your coming out if/when you decide the time is right for you. 

What resources exist on campus? 

Many amazing resources exist both on and off campus for LGBTQIA2S+ students, staff, and faculty! Check out the Pride Center Resource List Website for resources including but not limited to trans-affirming housing, changing your name on campus, support groups through the University, local resources in the Inland Empire, national resources and organizations, leadership opportunities on campus, and more!  

Can I change my gender marker on documents while at the university?  

At the moment there is no formal process to change your gender marker systematically. However, you can change it manually in some systems. 

Is there a process or form that I can submit to change my pronouns across all online platforms? 

At this time, there is no process or form that can systemically change your pronouns in the university systems. You can manually change your pronouns on different platforms. See the “Tech Support” section for instructions on how to do this on common university platforms.  

What resources do allies, families, and local community members have access to through the Pride Center?  

Allies, families, and local community members are welcome to learn from and find support in any of the online resources provided. Additionally, if you are interested in learning more about LGBTQIA2S+ topics, anyone is welcome to apply for and pursue the LGBTQ Leadership Certificate through the University of Redlands. For more information about the LGBTQ Leadership Certificate visit the Online LGBTQ Leadership Certificate page 

I am not sure which bathroom to use. Which one should I use?  

You can use the bathroom that aligns with your gender identity. Title IX prohibits discrimination on the basis of sex which extends to gender identity and sexual orientation. If you would rather not use a binary (Male or Female) restroom, the Pride Center Resource List Website has a list of all of the gender-neutral bathrooms on campus.  

I am exploring my gender and/or I am trans, which sports team am I allowed to participate in while at the University of Redlands? 

You can participate on the team that aligns with your gender identity under specific requirements. Title IX prohibits discrimination against sexual orientation and gender identity so this should protect trans athletes. However, there currently is no federal law or policy that specifically protects trans or gender-diverse athletes.

The University of Redlands is a part of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA). The NCAA protects you to be able to participate in the sport that you love while also honoring yourself. However, the NCAA does have specific standards. In a press release from January 19, 2022, the NCAA announced that any trans athlete must, “document sport-specific testosterone levels beginning four weeks before their sport's championship selections. Starting with the 2022-23 academic year, transgender student-athletes will need documented levels at the beginning of their season and a second documentation six months after the first. They will also need documented testosterone levels four weeks before championship selections. Full implementation would begin with the 2023-24 academic year”. For more see the NCAA Press Release Website.  

Do I have to medically transition, pursue a legal name or gender marker change, to benefit from the resources the university offers? 

Nope! You are affirmed in your gender, name, and sexual orientation without legally or medically transitioning or pursuing a name/gender marker change. All the resources at the University of Redlands are resources that you have access to whether or not you have come out, identify as LGBTQIA2S+, socially or medically transition, or pursue a legal name or gender marker change. 

Is there an LGBTQIA2S+ graduation ceremony? 

Yes! The University has a Lavender Recognition Ceremony each year to celebrate LGBTQIA2S+ students. Students who participate will receive a lavender and rainbow stole. For more information and how to participate see the Lavender Recognition Ceremony website. The Center for Diversity and Inclusion also hosts a First-Generation Recognition Ceremony and a Students of Color Recognition Ceremony. Visit the CDI Commencement Events Website for more information.  

I am getting a gender-affirming procedure and I do not want to be penalized in my classes, what do I do? 

If you need time off for a gender-affirming procedure, you should contact the Academic Success and Accessibility office. Academic accommodations can be made with a doctor’s or surgeon’s note to establish supportive accommodations as you recover. Accommodations can include but are not limited to: having a note-taker, extensions on deadlines, working with that professor through the office of Academic Success and Accessibility on negotiating absences, etc. For more information, head to the Student Success Center Website.  

I would like to build some LGBTQIA2S+ community and participate in LGBTQIA2S+ events. What LGBTQIA2S+ programming does the university offer? 

The Pride Center hosts events every semester! In the past, the Pride Center had a gender-affirming clothing swap, drag bingo, guest speakers like Laverne Cox, National Coming Out Day celebrations, Pride Parades, arts & crafts, and more. To find out about the events happening this semester visit the Pride Center located in Hunsaker or contact Peter Tupou at peter_tupou@redlands.edu and Monique Stennis at monique_stennis@redlands.edu.   

What resources exist in the local community for LGBTQIA2S+ folks? 

The Pride Center Resource List includes a section entitled, “Local Organizations and Coalitions.” This section shares descriptions and where to get in touch with local groups that focus on community building, advocacy, support, and more! Visit the Pride Center Resource List Website